My first miscarriage

So continuing on my story… we brought our daughter home and we had our little family. Because it took so long to get pregnant my husband and I made the decision to not use any contraceptives. Around 6 months we started to try again…. this was against my doctors wishes.. he told me since I was high risk and had preeclampsia, HELLP, and a csection it would be best for us to wait. Well we didn’t.

I can remember this vividly… I was feeling weird and even though my periods were still out of wack … I continued to take pregnancy tests off and on just to be sure… it was July 2013 and my daughter was a year and 5 months old… (see, it did take a long time!) I got a positive pregnancy test. I can remember the feeling I had when I got it. I was over the moon excited and so happy. I knew this was it. Our family was growing…

I took no precautions this pregnancy. I scheduled my appointment at 12 weeks and moved on… My doctor told me the first pregnancy issues could’ve been a fluke and did not recommend me going on suppositories……I can remember it like yesterday… I woke up that morning feeling fine. I got my daughter dressed and ready to eat breakfast. She was in the high chair munching away on cheesy eggs and some toast…. I felt something drip in my underwear… I thought maybe I had to pee… so I went to the bathroom…. I used it and wiped…. blood…..the fear that swept over me was incomprehensible….. I called my doctors office and spoke with a nurse…

She told me that the pregnancy was so early there was nothing they could do to save it… she recommended I go on bed rest and let her know if the bleeding stops… at this point my heart is pounding and I am crying so hard I can’t breathe… I manage to call my husband at work and beg him to come home and that I’m losing the baby… he comes home to take care of our daughter and I lay in bed praying and crying so hard till I finally fall asleep…. I wake up to more blood…. it’s a full flow… I know at this point there is nothing I can do and this is my first miscarriage.

I called my doctor to let them know I miscarried. The nurse was nice and told me so sorry.

I went into a deep depression… I didn’t want to do anything… I just wanted to hold my daughter…. it was very difficult and I had to tell my parents I lost my baby… no body knew I was even pregnant and because it was so early I didn’t announce anything….at this point I didn’t know anyone who had a miscarriage…. in fact I wasn’t aware of anyone in my family who had a problem conceiving let alone having a miscarriage…

I just couldn’t believe why this would happen to me… I really only had support from my husband ….and he really didn’t understand what I was going through… I had to deal with everything myself….. it was devastating and I felt like my body failed me…. unfortunately this wouldn’t be the first time my body would lose a baby…..

The beginning Part 2

So my obgyn put me on progesterone suppositories because my numbers were low and this was considered a threatened miscarriage. I was fine doing the suppositories because you only have to do them for 12 weeks. So my pregnancy continues and I have no bleeding or complications. I start to notice around the 9 week mark I’m getting nausea and vomiting. I assume this is from the pregnancy and I shouldn’t complain. But as the weeks are progressing I get worse and at this point I’m full blown vomiting every day from morning till night. I have severe indigestion. I started to worry about the all day sickness when I was puking up bile. I remember I had called my obgyn’s office to ask if there was anything I could do for this and a nurse called me back to tell me that “your pregnant what do you expect.”

I never called back. So I’m sick and vomiting but the baby is fine and growing so no problems. My obgyn told me she was due before me so I would be getting a new doctor to cover for her while she’s on maternity leave. I was kind of disappointed but dealt with it. So I’m in my last trimester about 33 weeks and I meet with my new male doctor who is also a high risk doctor. He right away said I’m swelling and my bp is kind of high and he is concerned. I’m told to get urine taken and blood work. I’m crying at this point because I literally just met the guy and I’m thinking this guy is a loon. I tell my husband and he wasn’t too happy. So he messages his friend and has him ask his wife (she is a nurse and happens to know this guy) what she knows about this doctor. She essentially tells us that he is a good doctor and she would listen to him. So i go in for my next appointment and I bring my husband because I just don’t believe this guy.

We go in, they take my bp.. and they have me lay down. They come back take it again .. and more concern an at this point I’m scared and so is my husband. The doctor comes in and says I have protein in my urine and that my bp was 200/100 and he wants us to go straight to the hospital and he will meet us there. My husband and I look at each other and we are just beside ourselves. We have no idea what to think .. and we aren’t getting answers. So we call my parents who happened to be at the Chicago Auto Show at the time and we tell them we are going to the hospital and we should be fine. Don’t worry we’ll keep them updated. So we are at the hospital and they are running numbers and have me all hooked up and baby is hooked up. Then they do a high risk ultrasound and give me a steroid shot and my doctor comes in and tells me that he is concerned I may be having preeclampsia and I should stay there. But I keep telling him that my baby shower is the next day and I really want to go and if my numbers get better can i go. Well after being in the hospital for quite a few hours my numbers drop and he releases me on bed rest. He didn’t want to but he keeps telling me he’ll see me soon.

Okay Saturday I wake up and get dressed for my baby shower. I am 34 weeks 6 days pregnant. And I go with my husband and I’m put in a wheel chair because I’m on bed rest and we go to the shower. I literally last maybe an hour. I start to feel woozy and light headed. I feel nauseas and sick and I start to feel pain in my liver. I tell the guests I need to leave and I go with my husband into the car and we head home. He keeps asking me if we should go to the hospital and I keep saying no take me home. I am laying in the back seat just feeling awful. We get home and I lay down on the couch. .. I look terrible. I start to vomit bile like tons of it.. and I feel just so sick and in so much pain. My husband calls an ambulance because he is so worried. My skin is turning yellow at this point. While I am being wheeled into the ambulance my sister in law is pulling into the driveway with all my baby shower gifts. I’m rushed to the hospital and taken to a room. My doctor comes in after I’m all hooked up and blood is drawn. I have HELLP (Hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, low platelet count) I also have Preeclampsia. He is delivering the baby the next day and I have no choice but to have her because I can die. They are able to keep my numbers low through the night but Sunday morning they sky rocket and I am sent to have an emergency csection. I walk myself to the surgery room… dumb of me.. but I guess I just didn’t believe it that I was so sick. They put the epidural in my back and i am prepped and within 25 min I have a baby. She is born at 35 weeks and she is whisked away to the NICU to be taken care. I am stitched up and put on magnesium sulfate so I don’t seizure and I am monitored. Magnesium sulfate is awful by the way. It hurts so bad going in. It’s like severe burning into your arm. Then it makes you super loopy.

I never did get my baby in my room. Melanie was 6lbs 5 oz born. And she had breathing trouble and had apnea where she would just stop breathing. It was scary. I had some terrible postpartum depression because of all of this. My daughter stood in the NICU for 10 days.

She comes home and we have a family. So the husband and I decide to not abstain from trying to have another baby. Mainly because it took us so long to get pregnant. What the next few years brings .. is tons of hardship and sadness.

To be continued

I don’t know how many people are following me. But I wanted you to know I’ve been meaning to post on here for such a long time. I just haven’t been in the mood. Life has been rough the past few months and then I got shingles and now I’m finally feeling more myself. I’m hoping these next few posts I can put up soon for those of you who are following me. I appreciate you.

I’ve been meaning to update

Wellllll… apparently I have shingles… I’m 34 years old and I have SHINGLES….also my period started 5 days early… happy 2020…

So 3 years ago when my husband was 32 he got shingles … he got it when my middle daughter Cassidy was about 6 months old or so… and now Phillip is 5 months and I got it…

So I’m blaming the children lol.

So apparently not a lot of people know about shingles… well if you’ve had chicken pox you’ve got this virus inside of you. And it stays there dormant. A lot of things can trigger it like stress, an injury, depression, or lack of sleep just to name a few… you are not contagious to other people who have had chicken pox. You can’t give shingles to someone else. But if you come into contact with someone who hasn’t had chicken pox and they touch the liquid in a blister or come in contact with it then can get chicken pox, not shingles. So my husband and I were born in the 80’s and both of us have had chicken pox so we have this virus in us. My two older girls have had the vaccination and don’t have to worry about getting chicken pox or ever dealing with shingles. Phillip on the other hand is 5 months old and they do not give them this till they are a year old… so I need to be careful not to come into contact with my son. Good thing I do not breast feed him.

My husband said his shingles never developed into blisters so I’m hoping mine do the same because it’s really hard to not hold my son when I’m pretty much the sole care taker through the day while the husband is working. So hopefully I caught it soon enough that doesn’t have to happen.

I can give you the play by play on how mine started and what I felt.

I had been having a hard time getting Phillip to eat so I’ve been walking around with him and feeding him.. that day I had him in my left arm and he’s a heavy kid…18 lbs… well my arm was getting tired and I continued to hold him, all of a sudden I had felt my muscles get really hot and it shot from my shoulder to my arm.. (injury) so of course I ignored it… the next day I started to feel like a deep pain in my shoulder blade and then some itchiness… like on the inside of my shoulder not on the skin…

The following day I felt itching in left breast. Not the nipple just to the left of it.. no rash or anything… the itching was horrible… like it’s an itch you can’t scratch and when you try it hurts… so then the itching kinda started to go away in my breast and the pain was like a bad soreness in my shoulder blade but random like lightening

bolts of itching but then it would go away and then come back in waves… so this all happened in a span of 5 days….that night I had seen a rash forming on the left side of my breast I also had raised skin almost like hives on

my shoulder blade area…. I went in the next morning to the doctor and I told her the symptoms and how quickly everything happened and she checked out my rash …. and she was like yup it’s shingles…

So jokingly I asked oh so how many 30 year olds do you see get this and she’s like oh rare… so yay I’m a unicorn.. well my husband and I. Luckily mine is from the left shoulder blade to my left breast . My husband had it on his face and eye… he was super miserable…

Okay so the rash started to show on Sunday night… Monday I got diagnosed and they put me on an antiviral. She said they can give me lidocaine to put on the skin to help with pain… I opted out on that. I’m just taking the antiviral.. so far it’s not horrible… the pain comes in waves and it’s getting worse as the days are professing … the skin is super sensitive like when you get a really bad sunburn.. the itching is still there…. also the rash is spreading to under my armpit area..

I’ve also experienced being very tired and dizzy and nausea. Which could be the antiviral… and then today I got my period.. so the cherry on the top of an already crappy week… and I hope I don’t get Covid since my immune system is down right now …

So side effects of having shingles is nerve damage and feeling the pain months or even years after having it. My husband had it on his face and eye and even though he came out of it fine he says he’s felt random pain in the eye area and he’s for some nerve damage in his face also his eye is more droopy on that side since it all happened… I’m hoping I caught it early enough to be treated and I won’t have any lasting effects..

I hope everyone is doing well and I’m going to try to update soon the part two of my fertility infertility story. ❤️

The beginning part 1

I wasn’t exactly sure how to get into my story. So I think I’m going to start from the beginning. Well at least from when I got married..

Okay so before I got married we had already decided that we didn’t want kids at all. When we did get married I was 22 and he was 23. I had already gone on the Depo Shot (this shot makes you not get your period, so you don’t ovulate or anything) because of this decision.. wellllllll

We had gone to a well known preacher who did marriage counseling. And he spoke about how we should think twice about not wanting to at least try to have kids.. mainly because of this verse ( Genesis 1:28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it,)

Well being good Christian folk we talked about it and prayed about it. We had gotten married in 2008.. we didn’t really fully commit to trying to have a baby mainly because my cycles were all over the place because of the depo shot. I had to wait for it to get out of my system.. and that took forever it felt..

In 2010.. This is when I spoke with my gynecologist about trying for a baby and she told be bluntly that I would never be able to have a child on my own because my cycles were off (they were 35 days give or take) some cycles were 85 days.. some less. I was distraught..

I had researched trying to get pregnant and got into sites about Dong Quai and Vitex.. just trying to get a period. I did not track my cycles since they never were on time ever.. I even met with a Mexican witch.. well that’s what I called her.. Apparently she was some kind of healer.. and she massaged my uterus and ovaries (eye roll). My mom was the one who got me into seeing her.. it got to the point where I was taking pregnancy tests every 2 weeks after sex just in case. Because my periods were so random… I did this because If you take dong quai it could cause an abortion…

Well in 2011 I took a test and found out I was pregnant… I met with an obgyn and they had to do an ultrasound inside because I had no idea how far along I was .. this was 2011 and they did not allow my husband in for the ultrasound… they did record it and asked him to come in after I was checked. They measured the baby and they guessed it was about 6 weeks.. my ob ran some blood tests and I was told this baby was a threatened miscarriage.

Being that I grew up not knowing one person who had troubles getting pregnant or let alone having issues keeping a pregnancy I didn’t think anything of it… they put me on progesterone suppositories and sent me on my way.

To be continued….

Just because

I had just seen an article that Kimberly Van Der Beek just suffered another miscarriage.. how awful. I feel so horrible for her and her family. And then it brings to light on my losses..

I feel like just because I have decided that we are officially done trying for another baby, that I should be over the hump.. that I shouldn’t be mourning my babies anymore.. but really now more than ever I’ve felt the loss..

There are days… weeks.. months that go by where I’m too busy with life and then all of a sudden I see a beautiful rainbow.. or I see a butterfly .. and I think of my babies.. As I’m watching Phillip grow I tend to think of my children.. what age they would be now.. what exactly would they be doing.. would be they sassy like Cassidy .. or emotional like Melanie.. or so smiley like Phillip..

I still cringe at baby announcements.. it’s like a punch to my heart i guess is the feeling.. It’s hard to explain.. like a sinking in my stomach.. and even though we are done I still feel the ache. Is that weird? I guess I would’ve thought by now that things would be easier?

Maybe one day it will be.

So anyway I was thinking about my blog. I used it rant .. and help me get through infertility .. and doctors visits.. and losses.. and i am not exactly sure what direction I want to go now. I still want to help women and men with baby loss.. and i still want to help with fertility questions.

so i think on my next post I’m going to explain my journey again. Mainly because having to go back sooooo many years could be a pain. I think I’m going to touch on subjects like miscarriages.. and fertility, and my struggle with depression.

Well I’m going to leave it at that. I hope everyone is doing well. Talk soon ❤

4 months

Phillip is 4 months old. He is such a good baby. He went to his check up yesterday and he’s 16 lbs 2 oz and 25 inches long. He’s smiling, laughing, and wanting to walk so bad.

He’s such a good sleeper at night. He’s sleeping by 10pm and isn’t up till 8 am. He’s chill and laid back.

That’s just a small update of Phillip. I have been doing well. 4 months since my csection. I’m fully healed for a while now. Physically I’ve been exercising fine. Periods are here every 35 days to the T. We are not trying for anymore babies. I am so done. I am 34 years old and I just physically and mentally can’t do it all.

I have finally finished my family and I am happy. Coffee is my friend. I can tell you one thing… my libido has not changed… it’s still super high.

Currently looking to get the husband a vasectomy.

Hoping everyone is doing well.

Sweet baby boy

I’m 8 days post partum. Went to the doctor on Thursday and I’m down 20 lbs. My bp was 165/100… so they were concerned… but I also took my Lebatalol only like a half hour before and I didn’t eat since it was an early morning … he said to watch my bp at home and if it gets bad again to come in.

So hopefully my bp will start to drop. It was 133/65 yesterday and then it went down 127/60. So hopefully it’ll keep going down. I’ve had the night sweats … oi so over it…

I’ve been off the pain meds since yesterday.. I’m healing well. Was able to sleep here and there.

He’s here

8lbs 6oz 21 inches long 💙 I am in love

He’s having trouble keeping his temp… which scared me. But he’s double wrapped now with a hat and he’s been nursing and I’m topping him off with formula.

Praying that he starts to regulate. I’m so grateful he is healthy.

Last doctor appointment

So I went in and my bp was 146/100…

Then did the urine test and they found trace protein..

I am swelling a little so maybe it’s good I’m having the baby tomorrow.

Before I left my bp went down to 122/78 so that was good.

I need to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. I’m scheduled for surgery at 7:30 am… asking for prayers!’ Many many prayers!! I’m super nervous.. which is crazy cause this is my third csection.. you’d think I’d be a pro by now.