Cd 28

Currently on cd 28 and nothing is happening. This is super frustrating..

my last cycle was 60 days and it feels like my body is repeating last cycle.. cry

So I’m not stressing I’m just kinda bummed and then I move on with life.. I started taking a prenatal called Conception. It has Vitex and Inositol (good for people with mthfr gene mutation).

I had seen good reviews .. of course it takes time and I guess I have all the time to take it.. I’ve been taking it twice a day and I don’t know if I notice any change..

I guess we’ll see. The hubs and I wanted to really try to conceive this cycle so I started using the clear blue opk again… I had bought a pack with 20… and well .. I might have to buy another pack.. blah

I’m really hoping and praying something happens this week because May 4-7 I’m going out of town for a convention.. and everything is paid for and I’m not canceling.

I’ve come to the realization that if I ovulate during the trip then it wasn’t meant to be..

I had gone to a women’s prayer meeting with some ladies from my church and I did a lot of praying and if He thinks I’m not ready. Then I can’t force this. Also what if God is telling me that maybe I’m done.

At the meeting I talked about my miscarriages and a friend said that maybe I want one more baby because of my losses.. and yea it’s a little bit of that… I always have thought of the Bible verse “The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away” I had seen someone on a forum explain it like this quote: “We must accept with humility and faith whatever happens to us in life, both good and bad, because life itself is a gift from God. He gives to us and He takes from us according to His own plan.”

So when I think of that verse it makes me realize that what I have is a gift and I should be grateful for what I’m given. I have 2 beautiful children that are both healthy and I have 4 beautiful babies in heaven that are with God.

If God decides that I’m done then I’m done.

I know the hubs and I are trying but I have to be okay that it may not work out. We do want to do another iui after this cycle if it fails… then we’ll be done trying.

I know when we are done trying there will be a sigh of relief. A letting go of what I wanted. Because what I want may not be the best.

I’m leaving it to God.

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!!finally!!

Who would’ve thought I’d be so excited about my period starting! So after 60 days my period started yesterday. It was the weirdest thing too because I kinda wasn’t expecting it. I do monitor my resting heart rate and I was waiting for it to go down more but instead it didn’t need to be lower.

So yesterday my daughter gets home complaining about her throat hurting and I checked her tonsils and they were swollen and red. I was going through her folder from school and all the way at the end I find a flyer…. that strep is going around ….. I tell my husband I’m taking her to urgent care… the first place I go to they have no doctor on staff… the second place takes her… yes she tested positive for strep… poor kid… so that day we had a funeral to go to so I haven’t eaten…. I’m starving and my husband is home with our little one… I tell her to feed her and I’m bringing Melanie back home so I can get some ibuprofen in her so her throat isn’t hurting too bad…. and we leave the urgent care to pick up my husband and the baby. We get to the house and my husband is waiting outside. I tell her I’m taking Melanie in for meds and I need to use the bathroom and we need to wash our hands. So I give Melanie some medicine and she washes her hands and I go to the bathroom and I wipe…. I see blood so I say “oh no my period started, tell dad that I’m gonna be little bit” and I send her to the car…

ya no idea this was gonna happen at that moment when we are rushing to leave….. I run upstairs and get a pad wash my hands and I get in the car… my husband looks at me like yuck and I’m like what… he’s like so you got your period huh. I turn to the back seat and Melanie goggles… really! And I ask my husband what did she say…. he’s like, she said “mom got her period but I don’t know what that is” so that was fun lmao.

Anyway the witch is here. I’m not shocked it’s 60 days. I’ve gone over 100 days before. I was just getting used to having it regularly lately because of the fertility treatments.

So we are going to try opks this cycle. Which should be fun since this cycle took forever. Sigh. So I’m asking for some prayers and baby dust sent this way if you can.

No period …

So it’s cd 60 today….. not pregnant. Not sure if I should continue to wait for my elusive period to come or go to the doctor to get pills to start my period. My husband doesn’t understand all this fertility stuff so he’s no help… sigh

Trying

Fighting my demons a lot lately. Been dealing with a lot between the drama with my mother who is going through menopause and my husband who has been working a lot…. to my oldest back talking and misbehaving to my youngest being really crabby due to teeth… to the many Facebook and text message announcements of pregnancies…. to my uterus’ lack of working and my weight plateauing…to the feeling of being super alone in this world… to the pain that I’m feeling …

the topper being the pregnancies… jealousy’s ugliness is here and I’m just stewing in it and I really just want to cry… and it’s probably my hormones and maybe in a couple of days I’ll feel better and I know there are worse things in this world… world hunger is one….. and sickness being another…. but right now I’m feeling rather selfish…. and I’m going to wallow in it for a while… I’ll cry… it’s the best way to feel at this point… I need sleep… maybe that’s what is lacking… who knows….

(God, if you’re listening and you’re not busy, could you wrap your arms around me and comfort me?)

Hey everyone

Just stopping by to say hi. So so far I haven’t been keeping track of ovulation or anything like that. The hubs and I kinda do whatever whenever.. I don’t even write that down anymore. But I have to give an update…… I’m currently on cd 52….. and no period in sight… also I am most definitely NOT pregnant.

I’ve taken multiple pregnancy tests and they have all been negative… so this is kind of frustrating that a cycle hasn’t started. So ever since my last failed iui I got a period and I have yet to get another cycle. Which is weird because my periods were coming regularly at that point and without forcing a period with meds…

So this’s what’s been happening so far… and it kinda sucks cause I feel like I’m gonna get a period and then I don’t and then I feel like I might be ovulating but then that goes away…. blah 😩

Documentary recommendation

I was scouring through Netflix and saw a documentary called One More Shot… it follows a couple who struggles trying to conceive…. it was really good. Like I was crying…. their struggles and their pain… I felt all that through my journey…. when she told her husband “I’m sorry I’m broken” I’ve told that to my husband …. Just ya.

It’ll definitely make you cry.

They did interview some other couples and how they made their families and there was this woman that I related to so very much…

this is what she said after she adopted her son… now she had gone through many losses and ya this is what she said.

Like to a T I feel like this. I am so happy that I have my kids. But I know that I’ll never feel whole again. This is with me and it is me.

Reevaluating

So our iui failed… and the hubs and I decided to sit down and reevaluate our situation. I think the best thing for us right now is to take a break for a couple of months. Come April we want to try again with the meds. But till then I will not be taking opks or following any of that.

So I am freaked out and I really wanted to try again right away… but physically I know I just can’t. All the weight gain from the meds isn’t helping so I’m really trying to drop the weight and be a better me and enjoy my little ones.

So I will be disappearing till we start trying again. Unless somehow we get pregnant during this time of meds fasting!