Feelings of the inbetween

I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m never going to have another baby.. but then I feel like oh whoa is me.. like look at me.. I have 2 kids.. there are so many women I know personally who can’t have kids.. have lost their babies and here I am in the middle.  This is the problem.. I feel that I’m stuck in the “inbetween”  I have gone through a big struggle trying to get pregnant the first time.  Finally when I got pregnant it was extremely rough on my body .. and I had a high risk of having a miscarriage… finally over that hump I had Pre-eclampsia and HELLP.. we both almost died.. my daughter spending time in the NICU .. that was so hard ..

then finally she was home and then she was sick like a lot.. fast forward to trying for another baby and we experienced our first miscarriage… my sister in law getting pregnant and telling me the same time I was losing my baby .. fast forward to trying again .. and it taking years to get pregnant .. finally pregnant and losing the baby … then getting pregnant a month later.. thinking this is it I’m going to be okay to having horrible hives because I was so scared I was going to lose this baby .. and then losing that baby ..all around the same time a friend of mine was pregnant during those two losses..

fast forward more years.. and breaking down and going to a fertility doctor and finally after taking fertility meds and finding out I have PCOS and an MTHFR gene mutation.. and having to do an IUI…  getting pregnant and staying pregnant … and having another child…

and now trying for another baby .. and here I sit and I am sad that I’m not getting pregnant but I don’t know how to feel because I have guilt in feeling the way that I am .. because as I’ve said before I know many women who are trying to get pregnant.. or those who can’t.. I have friends who have lost their pregnancies.. or have had stillborns.. or their babies died from SIDS.. and I feel guilty that I’m sad that I’m not getting pregnant when I do have 2 kids at home.. and they are healthy and with me… so ya I don’t know how to feel..

Like when I tell people that I have secondary infertility . they don’t know what to say.. like I say I’ve had 4 miscarriages and they say well at least you have 2 kids .. it’s like my other babies then are meaningless.. dunno…

I struggle with this when I talk to God.. like why did He make me go through all this… all of it.. the struggles.. the pain.. the loss.. the having kids.. like how am I supposed to process all of this.. like when I’m feeling really down.. and I miss my 4 babies.. but I have my two kids here with me.. like i feel guilty for missing my babies.. half the time I don’t know how to feel.. blah.. I’m not a fan of the “inbetween”.. the best and worst of both worlds..




Do people buy crocheted items anymore? I look on the Facebook MarketPlace and I see people selling stuff but I’d like to know if they actually sell it. I sometimes crochet blankets and was trying to sell them. So far I’ve been giving them away as baby gifts.. wonder how much money I could make. Hmmm anyways here is my latest project.

Dont know if anyone would buy this one or not. I haven’t finished yet. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make this a king size or for a crib. Hmm

Anyways hope everyone is well. My husband has been healing and is doing so much better. I’m doing good as well. Trying not to stress out or anything.

Night everyone!

Not a scam or spam totally legit

Hey everyone! For those of you who are stay at home moms, homemakers, or part time workers.. even full time (if you can find time) I wanted to let you know about Swagbucks! I’ve been on this site since it started years ago. I used it to get gift cards for free for Amazon when I wasn’t working. This helped to pay for Xmas and birthday gifts. So I used it for a while and then I had kids… so I didn’t have time and I got busy.

Well now the kids are older and they can keep themselves busy. Well I got back into Swagbucks and boy has it changed. Now they have surveys, watching ads or trailers, even playing games, and you can earn Swagbucks. You turn around and use those to “buy” gift cards. Which are emailed to you and can be used right away.

This isn’t a scam or spam. Thing is you have to put the work in. They have swag codes you can get points from. You can use their search engine to get Swagbucks. Accumulate them and you can cash out and get gift cards from all over.

If you sign up using my code you start off with 150 Swagbucks. Swagbucks link


These are examples of what you can expect. Of course the more swagbucks you have the better the gift cards. I just wanted to put it out there. I’m trying to get a lot of swagbucks for Xmas this year. I also signed up for Receipt Hog and Ebates. So far both have been interesting. I’ve only had those for a month or so. I’m still new to it. If they end up working out I’ll give a review. Anyway hope this helps someone get some extra money on the side. 🙂 hope all is well with everyone and their journeys. Since my journey is on hold this is helping me keep my mind busy.

Night y’all


Poor hubs… we had to be up at 4 am… my mom and dad came by to watch the kids… we got to the hospital at 5:15 am… he was wanting to back out… like big time… luckily a member from our church had come and calmed him down.

He leaves and my husband is taken back to surgery….. it’s 7 am and the monitor says he’s being prepped…. I’m waiting in the waiting room. And our preacher from our church shows up and he sits with me and we just chat…. surgery is supposed to be 1 hour…. 4 hours later the doctor finally comes…. I’m freaked out at this point….

he tells me it was worse than he thought. He had an inguinal hernia and his bladder had herniated…. he said there was so much scar tissue he couldn’t make out the anatomy… it was bad… he said he should’ve gotten this taken care of years ago… (he’s had this for 4 years) my husband said it was never painful more uncomfortable if anything…

he was able to push everything back in place and he used a mesh to keep everything there… he said it would take him 6 weeks to get back to normal…

so he’s home and he’s uncomfortable…. poor guy

I’m so grateful my parents were able to stop by and help us. Now we just wait for the healing process and I have to watch him and make sure he doesn’t overdue it.

I’ll be honest and I feel selfish for saying this…. I’m kinda bummed that we’ll miss this cycle and there’s a high chance we’ll miss this next cycle…I mean I want the best for him and I’d rather him heal but I’m still kinda sad … blah…

Anyway I’m pretty exhausted… we didn’t get home till after 2….blah…. so now the kids are in bed and I’m just watching some tv on the couch with the hubs and he’s relaxing.. he’s not looking forward to going upstairs and sleeping in our bed… hopefully he’ll get a good nights sleep… goodnight ya’ll

What’s going on?

So remember how I was taking Metformin… well the past couple of weeks I started to get some weird mild ache on the upper right side of my back… right under my ribs. It just wouldn’t go away… so I started to take only 1 Metformin a day then stopped taking it completely…. and now I feel fine. I don’t know if this was all a coincidence? Or maybe it was affecting my kidney… Who knows…

so I’m literally only on one aspirin, a prenatal vitamin and a Zyrtec for allergies. I think if we end up doing another IUI I’ll get back on the Metformin. We’ll see. I’ll have to mention this to my RE for sure.

Tomorrow my husband goes in for hernia surgery so that’s scary. I’ve been on a cleaning spree in my house the past few days… even cleaning the baseboards… crazy..

so weird thing I started my period August 30th and I only had it for 4 days…. like that isn’t normal for me at all… I’m normally 7 days… weird. I mean I’m not complaining. Nothing else really going on with my body.

Currently not monitoring anything so that’s crazy lol.

Anyway I hope everyone is doing well! Cya!

She’s here….

Aunt flow showed up right on time….. 14 dpo… I guess I’m glad I didn’t have to wait forever for it to come I guess. So this cycle isn’t going to work because my husband is having hernia surgery so I think we are going to wing it this cycle… whatever happens happens …. nothing scheduled just go with the flow….