Hcg….

So I went from 252 to 267.. they aren’t concerned until Friday. By then it needs to come down. I’ve been praying so hard for this to end… I don’t want to get another shot 😭… sigh

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And it continues

So thankfully I’m not throwing up anymore and I’m only somewhat nauseas today. I went to get my blood work done again… Hcg went from 209 to 252… so that’s not great.

They said sometimes they rise and then start falling.. so let’s hope that’s what is happening. The did a CBC panel to check for organ function and my liver levels were a little elevated. Nothing to be concerned about I was told.

At this point I’m only feeling pain in my chest and arms from throwing up so much…. other than that I’m feeling okay. Kinda worried and hoping this ends so very soon…. I go back Wednesday to get blood work again and see if Hcg is falling….

looks like a lot of blood work is ahead of me… of course I checked google and people are all over the board about how long it takes for Hcg to go down… and then when that’s 0 I’ll finally get a period… which I’ve been told will be heavy… and possibly not pleasant…

so that’s all that’s been going on.. I’m exhausted and I just want this to be over… oh how I’d rather take a regular miscarriage over this any day… and some times I can only think that what if this baby made it to my womb….. who knows…

and my biggest fear is trying again when we are ready and this happening again… 😦

I forgot to put on here that I talked with the secretary at the clinic and she said she had horrible nausea and vomiting while on methotrexate so I’m not the only one! Good thing too because I thought I was nuts…

Methotrexate side effects or stomach bug?

I don’t know what it was…. but I was given the shot at 4 Pm…. by 2 am I was vomiting like severe …. every hour to two hours I’d be woken up by stomach cramping and I’d have to run to the toilet…… it got to the point of dry heaving I just don’t have anything in my stomach anymore. Ugh …

I called the on call nurse and she’s asked if I had a stomach bug. I said I don’t think so. I don’t feel like I have a stomach thing… it’s like cramping in my stomach and nausea…. like in waves…. oi… it’s still coming too…. she said she’d call me and see how I’m doing later on. And said not to get dehydrated….

sigh…. why can’t this just be easy 😭

Hcg hell

Got my blood test this morning …Hcg went from 195 – 209 so it went up and they said that’s notorious of an ectopic pregnancy…

I’ve been feeling a bit swollen on that side and some sharp pains off and on… told the RE and she was concerned. She told me to go to the pharmacy and pick up Methotrexate and go straight to the office so she can administer…

So that’s what I did… I grabbed my little one again got her jacket and shoes on and dragged her to the pharmacy and then to the office. My RE is amazing and she did my shots… she even was late for a class she was teaching just so she could stay and do this for me… she was worried. I was worried… I still am.

I pray that this pregnancy ends wherever it is. Because they never confirmed where it’s at… it’s highly likely in the tube… I pray it ends and I won’t need surgery… I pray my numbers drop and I can experience a regular period… I pray this doesn’t get bad….

a girl that works at the clinic had an ectopic rupture and she was in excruciating pain and her belly filled with blood… thank goodness someone convinced her to go to the ER… oi

Dear God I pray I don’t go through that and the shots work… amen

The worst things:

The worst things about miscarrying is the waiting… knowing soon your body will realize it’s not pregnant anymore and a home that was meant for your baby to grow in will be ripped out and you’ll bleed and contract and bleed some more.

The worst thing is your body still thinking it’s pregnant and your breasts hurt while your so tired you just want to sleep… but there is no baby there and your body is confused….

The worst thing is when announcing it to family and friends to your church… and the sad look on their faces as they feel sorry for you… they don’t even know what to say… but your holding in tears because you’ve grieved so much you just don’t want to anymore…. and all they can do is hug you and give you a sad look and walk away…

The worst thing is the looks you get once everyone knows…. this is my fifth pregnancy loss… 5 babies ….

The worst thing is when people message you with good intentions but make you feel worse than before by asking why you wouldn’t use a different method to get pregnant, like a surrogate…

The worst thing is telling your mom… and her asking why I didn’t tell her and having to explain that I couldn’t see the disappointment in her eyes because I lost another baby….

The worst thing is her trying to help the situation by telling me to do all natural things because the way I’m doing it is harmful to myself…

The worst thing is the disappointment I saw in my husbands eyes…. and wondering if he’s blaming me for all of this….

The worst thing is blaming myself anyway….

The worst thing is watching a friend lose her pregnancy too and having to explain to her what she’s going to go through and wishing she didn’t have to go through what I’ve been through many times

The worst thing is watching a woman I know from church be pregnant and watching her happiness and soon her belly will start to grow and I will see her every week as she nears her due date and I am just dying inside

The worst thing is going through this over and over again… when will it stop?

The worst thing is the crying… and feeling like I can’t stop… and everything makes me cry and I’m just totally defeated.

Dear God help me… comfort me… love me … amen

Ultrasound Update: blood work

So they took some blood today. I’m hoping my numbers are going down. So now I wait for the call.

She checked my uterus and they found nothing. She didn’t see anything except for giant cysts in my left ovary… like they were so big my ovaries were touching…. didn’t know that was possible but it makes sense. I’ve had some awful ovary pain for the past week or so. That explains it. Because it’s so early she can’t rule out a tubal pregnancy.

The hope now is my numbers drop and we are done with all of this. And just come to the conclusion this was a chemical pregnancy… which I consider to still be a loss…

anyway I was really struggling last night with jealousy and anger and a sweet lady posted a link to a blog… it answered my questions.

It’s a very good read I’d recommend it! It’s called “But Why Does She Get Babies?” And it’s just eye opening. ❤️

Update: numbers went from 207.8 to 195 so hopefully this should be ending soon!

The tears came

I was really doing well… until last night… I was taking a shower and I just started to bawl…..like ugly cry… and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I am beyond frustrated and sad that this is happening…. and to top it off my husband slipped a disc in his back …. so sex is off the table….

and here I am waiting to bleed and let this all be over….. I have a friend that she had a chemical pregnancy just about the same time this happened her number was 11…. mine was 9.9… she had her period in 4 days…. I found out on the 28th I held out hope that this baby was growing and I sometimes wish I wasn’t on the suppositories and it just would’ve ended instead of prolonged what wasn’t going to happen….

This on top of us finishing our basement and I’m just devastated…. I was really hoping and praying that our family would be completed … and I am having a really hard time dealing with the two women at church who are pregnant…..

I’m praying… a lot …. but my heart is so heavy…. and I just don’t get why this is happening again…. 😭… I wish my body was normal….. and we didn’t have to do all those meds just to get pregnant…. I wish when I got pregnant I didn’t have to worry if the baby was going to live or not….. I wish I would be able to announce that we are pregnant and know at the end we will have a baby in our arms… instead I’m living in fear…… and I trust God I really do… and I’m praying a lot…. because I do love Him…. I’m just falling and I’m trying to hang onto Him….. and I’m struggling….

anyway I’m ending my rant… hope everyone else is doing well.