The tears came

I was really doing well… until last night… I was taking a shower and I just started to bawl…..like ugly cry… and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I am beyond frustrated and sad that this is happening…. and to top it off my husband slipped a disc in his back …. so sex is off the table….

and here I am waiting to bleed and let this all be over….. I have a friend that she had a chemical pregnancy just about the same time this happened her number was 11…. mine was 9.9… she had her period in 4 days…. I found out on the 28th I held out hope that this baby was growing and I sometimes wish I wasn’t on the suppositories and it just would’ve ended instead of prolonged what wasn’t going to happen….

This on top of us finishing our basement and I’m just devastated…. I was really hoping and praying that our family would be completed … and I am having a really hard time dealing with the two women at church who are pregnant…..

I’m praying… a lot …. but my heart is so heavy…. and I just don’t get why this is happening again…. 😭… I wish my body was normal….. and we didn’t have to do all those meds just to get pregnant…. I wish when I got pregnant I didn’t have to worry if the baby was going to live or not….. I wish I would be able to announce that we are pregnant and know at the end we will have a baby in our arms… instead I’m living in fear…… and I trust God I really do… and I’m praying a lot…. because I do love Him…. I’m just falling and I’m trying to hang onto Him….. and I’m struggling….

anyway I’m ending my rant… hope everyone else is doing well.

poem

Poem I wrote for this month.. pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.. missing my babies

I miss you everyday

As I see your sisters play

They are growing right in front of my eyes

Not a day goes by that I don’t sit and wonder

What you’d be doing about this time

And I hear them giggle and they cuddle on the floor

My eyes well up with tears

Because I’ll never hear your sweet little voice

I’ll never kiss away your tears

I’ll never hold your sweet little hand

The pain is still there the ache of what could’ve been

Oh how I miss you so much little one

I pray to my Lord each and every day

For strength to get through

And one day I’ll understand

The reason for His plans

But today I’m going to cry for a little while…

~Cynthia S

No answers..UPDATE!

So I got a call from the nurse today and my labs came back normal.. But how could that be? I just feel like something is wrong with me but all my labs are normal.

I wonder if my herbs are actually helping me more than I thought.

On a good note i lost two pounds since my last doctor visit so yay. I guess right now I will continue to eat healthy, take my herbs, teas, and exercise and get my body back.

I had asked the nurse what my next step would be and what more tests I should get done so now I’m waiting on a call from the doctor in the next couple of days. We’ll go from there.

🙂 I have faith and I know God has plans for me, I just hope more babies are in those plans.. Just doing a lot of praying and just glad my tests are coming back normal cause that’s a good thing really. Here’s to lots of prayers and putting my life in Gods hands and being okay with that.

UPDATE: I thought I was going to have to wait a few days before I heard from the doctor but I got a call today while showering!’ Great timing. So the nurse said while my numbers are normal the doctor has ordered a throat ultrasound for me to see why my thyroid is enlarged. So that appointment is set for Friday at 8 am. Really hoping they can give me answers.. Oi

I am content with one

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my daughter. I am so blessed to have her in my life. I know deep down I want more children though. I had a conversation with my gf about having children. She too struggled to get pregnant and is actually due with her first child. She told me I should be content with what I have.

I agree with her. When I see so many women struggling to get pregnant and many of you losing your children I see how blessed I am with what I have. I am content with one child. It’s always weird to talk to fertiles and they are shocked when I say I want 3 more children.. Why do you want so many?? Well I want as many as God will give me. As many as my body can handle.

There is a reason I went through HELLP., there is a reason God chose me to have a miscarriage. I struggled a lot when I lost my baby but it made me stronger and more loving toward my husband and my daughter..

I have realized that I am content with one child. I am okay with having one child living here with me. I am blessed with what I have. I am okay.

Because in the end what I want is not what I need. God knows better than me. And I am okay with that.

Things I learned

I spoke with my mother on the eve of what would have been my due date. It really got me to thinking. Especially when I have read certain blog posts on here. Where women who have gotten pregnant have said “if you want to stop following my blog I understand, it can be hard to read about pregnancy when trying to conceive.” At the time I agreed and I think that is so wrong.

This is why.
I spoke with my mother and this was at the time she told me my cousin was pregnant again, she had a miscarriage before. I was not happy and she told me this “listen, I love you. I don’t understand how you are feeling, I have never been through it. I know you hurt, I can see it on your face. It must be painful to see others pregnant and having/making families and you’re pushed to the side. But because you feel that way you can understand the happiness that your cousin is feeling. You should be happy for her. Would you want her to be mad at you because you got pregnant. Wouldn’t you want her to be genuinely happy for you.”

I thought about it. Yes I am sad at my situation. I am angry at my situation. In my case I have a daughter who is alive and is in my life. I am grateful for this. I know other women who don’t have this. But there should be a genuine happiness when hearing that others in the same situation are pregnant. Would you want your friends to not be happy for you when you do get pregnant. Yes your child died but he/she is with God. Would your child not want you to be happy? I read the book I’ll Hold you in Heaven, this book changed my life.

We need to stand together and not be so cold. I know it’s easier said than done, there is the question over and over going around in my head. “Why me?” Why do I have to go through this. I’d love for you to read this post God Will give you more than you can handle
This is an amazing read and it’s helped me a lot. As it mentions that the quote we always use “God won’t give you more than you can handle” is misquoted and while we go through the pain we need to realize that God is there for us through the midst of it.

“WHEN WE BECOME AWARE THAT LIFE WILL GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE, WE FIND A PROMISE: GOD IS FAITHFUL TO MEET US IN THE MESS AND IN THE PAIN.”

So with talking to my mother, with reading these blog posts and this specific post I say to you ladies. Don’t unfollow women who have what you want. We need to come together and support each other. That’s what I think at least. Life is hard, no one said it would be easy. People will always have more than what you have. Life is not always greener on the other side. Maybe we use our energy in a different way. Maybe we put it towards our marriages, our family, home, life, body, garden, job, and many other things. Don’t get me wrong. There have been many times I’ve broken down and couldn’t take it anymore. I reach out to you for strength I get love. I reach out to God I get love. I reach out to family and friends and my husband and I get love, that is okay. I know the anger in my heart wasn’t helping me. It’s not easy when I see someone who had what I want but I brush it off and am okay with how my life is right now. I say to myself that I am okay today.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed my mom always would ask me “how do you eat an elephant? One piece at a time”

So when life is overwhelming and stressful step back and take it in one piece at a time.

Day 3

So woke up to some crazy winter storm. It was sooo cold I was shivering. But I got myself out of bed and started to do the Yoga Meltdown level 1. And half way through my asthma flared up and I couldn’t find my inhaler.. Yes ladies I have asthma and have had it all my life. So I was searching everywhere for it and I don’t know how but it was in my sweater pocket upstairs in my closet.

I have no idea how it got there but okay. I come back downstairs to finish my workout and we lost power!! And then got it back.. So I had to reset our Roku so I could finish my workout! But I did finish, instead of giving up I finished!!

My daughter naps at 1 pm so I decided I’d be a nice wife and plow the driveway. Well I got halfway through with the snowblower and because the snow was sooo slushy and heavy the blower wasn’t too happy. So I ended up shoveling the rest by hand.. So add that to my exercise list!

Ugh what a day. But I’m getting through it. Tonight I have church, looking forward to worshipping God.

Also as far as my fertility I ended up buying the clearblue ovulation kit.. I gave in.. Hoping this cycle is it.. Feel like I say that a lot..

I lost a child, I had a miscarriage

This is hard for me to write. Emotionally and physically because I’m typing this up on my cellphone. So here goes. With moving and dealing with my now two year old,, on top of unpacking and fixing our home and renting it out and maintaining our lives, sort of.. I forgot about my baby. I was completely distracted. Not thinking once of the child I lost. I was living life as if I’d never lost a child. Living like nothing ever happened and I feel ashamed. It wasn’t until yesterday, my sister in law posted a link to my wall to this blog The Lewis Note . I read her words. Realizing that a lot of the things I’ve been telling myself are so very wrong.. I think I say them to myself to help me, maybe to make others feel better.
Things like “I’m glad I didn’t get attached, that maybe something was wrong with the baby, it was for the best.” I took the value away from my child. I don’t know if it’s because of society. How often do women really talk about miscarriage. To me it seems the earlier the loss the less important the child was. When I lost my baby I remember distinctly the doctor coming in and saying “are you sure you read the pregnancy test right, hmm it might’ve been a chemical pregnancy or a false positive.”
This is what my child became. I mean when anyone hears “chemical pregnancy” they think well there never was a child but in fact there was. I will forever remover the nurses words to me after I said “at least it was early” she hugged me and said “you still lost a child no matter how far you were.” I was naive..
Reading her words stabbed me in my heart because in all reality everything she wrote about what people say, I said them all to myself. Maybe to make me feel better and like I said. I feel ashamed for doing that. My child has value. He/she existed and still exists.
I am ashamed I forgot. I stopped tracking how far I’d be right now.. I checked yesterday, I would be 34 weeks. I had my daughter at 35 weeks. It hurts when I think about it. A lady commented on my sister in laws post and she recommended a book “I Will Hold You In Heaven” it’s available on amazon and my husband out of nowhere bought it for me. I’m on page 35 and it’s helping me. Making me realize as said before that my child has value and was a child the moment of conception. It’s a good read.
I’m trying to get through this. I have a right to grieve and mourn and think of my child that I lost. I won’t forget again I won’t.

Who am I?

Sorry I haven’t been blogging here much.  Life has been a roller coaster of emotions lately.  My sister in law is about the pop and every time I see her I’m so devastated.  I have to hide my feelings and it’s just really hard.  My husband and I are in the process of building our home which is scary and stressful.  It’s just a lot to take in.  I was having breast tenderness for so long that I really thought that maybe I might be pregnant.  I took 4 different tests in the matter of 5 days in between and nothing.  Just yesterday my father came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant.  I screamed NO!.. I mean really??…He thinks since my daughter has been so clingy to me that I might be.. but nope I’m not.. thanks for bringing it up… Maybe my daughter knows that mommy isn’t happy right now and she’s just wanting to be with me.. is that so hard to believe?.. It’s hard enough to see my sister in law pregnant.. but now 2 more people came up on facebook pregnant. ..

It’s so hard for me right now dealing with my emotions.  I take it out on my husband and I know that’s wrong, he’s been so sweet to me and holding my hand through all of this…  He keeps telling me that it’ll happen and maybe right now isn’t right since we’ve got so much on our plate already… and I understand that but I’m just sad.  I just wish I at LEAST would get a period or something.  It’s been 54 days since I lost my baby :(.. I just want to feel like a woman again and have a period and just get through it and start trying again.  I mean we have been trying but at least a period would confirm I’m not pregnant and then a new cycle would begin.

It’s just so frustrating and I’m at the point I want to get into my car and drive away and never come back .. sigh

It’s a sad thing to want to be alone.. I do want to be alone but I don’t.  I have been able to deal with my depression .. but since the miscarriage, it’s just been really tough on me to get back to myself.  I went down and down and down and now really it’s very hard to get back to where I was.  I’m trying to bounce back…. I can’t find my bounce.

It doesn’t help that it’s getting cooler..I miss the heat.  I miss feeling alive.  I’m hateful right now.  Angry that women who don’t deserve to be pregnant are.  I don’t get it.  I’m married, living my life right, didn’t have sex till I was married… I’m religious, I go to church, I don’t drink.. or do drugs.. I stay the speed limit.. I’m a good person.. I don’t get why I don’t have another baby.. I don’t get why those who are promiscuous  are pregnant and then get pregnant time and time again..

I know I’m not better than anyone else.. I just feel for all the good I do .. I deserve to be happy and have a baby.. and rereading that out loud sounds sick to me.. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else..

Maybe this miscarriage was a blessing.  Maybe God chose me because He knew that I could get through this.  That I’m a strong person and it would make me better.  That I could tell my story and help someone else.  I know God allows us to be tried.  Maybe I’m not relying on Him much lately.  Maybe I’m dwelling on the pain and not using it for good.

I really need to think about that.  Being jealous of others for what they have.. I need to step back and be sad and mourn and get through this and be stronger.  I have to for me and for my daughter and my husband.  I NEED to be okay.  I won’t pretend like I didn’t have a miscarriage.  That will always be with me.  But I know that I can be better that I can get better and one day maybe I will feel better.

Supersticious

I am not the type who believes in superstition.  The day I miscarried I was scrambling some eggs.  I cracked the egg and it had a red dot in it.  Now everywhere I search about finding blood in an egg they say this “The superstition of a bloody egg is that you will see yours or someone elses blood soon.”  about 15 min into feeding my daughter I went to the bathroom and to my shock saw bright red blood on my panties.  That day I miscarried.

Coincidence?

I’ll never know if it was God’s way of telling me something was going to happen or if it was just a coincidence.

So I don’t temp anymore because I got tired of waking up every day at the same time and waking up my husband.  I do sometimes temp at night and sometimes have an idea what’s going on.  So back when I did get pregnant I temped at night and got a 97 one night, the next night I was at 98.3…  and after 6 days I tested and found out that I was in fact pregnant.

Since the miscarriage I’ve been doing the ovulation sticks and still haven’t gotten a 🙂 .  So on a whim I decided to temp at night.  I got a 97 on Sunday and Monday I was at 98.3… I don’t want to get my hopes up that I may be in fact pregnant again.. but I find it every odd that the temps are showing up exact…  I really don’t want to tell my husband anything in fear that I may be wrong and It’s nothing.

Now I’m waiting for aunt flo.  Unfortunately because of what happened I may not have any idea when it should start and I’m only on day 34 using the miscarriage as day 1.  Guess I’ll see what happens.