Depressed..

For the past 12 years around this time I get very emotional and depressed.  I don’t know what it is.  I can’t remember anything happening around this time that should affect me like this.  It seems to happen every single year…  I wish I knew why.  I don’t know if it’s the change of seasons.. the days getting cooler.  All I know is right now I feel utterly alone.  I love my daughter, but I miss working.  I miss talking to people and having friends.

I feel so depressed and I just want to crawl into a cave and die.  It’s very hard to deal with depression when you have an 18 month old running around.  I’ve always had depression.  I tried to kill myself because of it.  It’s a dark cloud hanging above me and no one out there has any idea of how I feel.  I tried to get counseling but it really didn’t work.  It’s weird, I wanted to go to school for counseling but never finished.  I thought maybe I could help someone else deal with their demons, when I can’t even deal with my own.

I used to be a cutter, and a pill popper.  Clearly I don’t do that anymore.  The temptation to do it though.. it’s still there.  I am Christian but I never said I was perfect.  Other people take out frustrations by drinking.  Well I can’t drink.  It’s a religious thing.. and also a family thing.  My folks have very addictive backgrounds, and their own parents have the same and generation to generation it’s been there.  So drinking isn’t an option.

I think I need to get out and do play dates again.  I need to go out and not be alone.  I miss the times when I was young.. gas was $.50 and you could take road trips without worrying about anything.  I miss blaring my music and having the windows down and the wind hitting my face and it was so cool and crisp.  I miss not having obligations, I miss my freedom.  Sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive away … drive and drive and never look back.  But I know that I can’t.  So when I go and run errands with my daughter I enjoy the time I get driving away .. and enjoying the scenery.  Then I come back home and things are the same again… 

I wish I wouldn’t feel like this every year.  I wish I knew why I feel like this.  I wish I could snap out of it.  I got my Psychology degree and still can’t figure out what’s wrong with me.. sigh.