Feeling defeated..

With our house still not being done.. It moves our close date another week or two… With that my mother in law will soon be leaving and I’ll be losing my live in baby sitter. Which isn’t good. It’s been tough packing with an almost 2 year old running around. Having her live with us for this time has really helped me out and has kept my daughter occupied and me not feeling like I’m abandoning her…

I’ve managed to pack up the kitchen, living room, dining room, and our bedroom. Of course because we don’t have a close date nor do we have a move in date, I am forced to keep the essentials like towels, cooking items..and clothing… Which is hard because when we do move I need to find boxes for these items..

With all the chaos and my mother in law living here with us I’ve felt severely distant to my husband. I think it’s the stress and the disappointment of this cycle. When I texted my husband the day I found out about the bfn he was sad… It made me sad too, like my body failed me and him.. But more like I was to blame..

I thought this cycle would be so perfect. We timed everything so well.. But such is life I guess. So I’m feeling isolated.. And lonely and just depressed and I just want to be in my new home. I want to be able to relax and enjoy my daughter and my husband. I want to be able to feel like me again. The outcome of this cycle has really gotten me down. I was sooo for sure this was it.. And I’m getting tired of waiting. I’ve gone 3 cycles already since the miscarriage .. From 80 days.. To 50.. And now back to 36.. Which is good but at this point I thought I’d be pregnant by now…

I don’t know anymore.. I just feel like I am so alone. Like no one cares and I could disappear and really it wouldn’t even matter. This might be the AF talking.. But I’m just feeling crappy.. And sleep is my only release from this reality.. Sigh

Who am I?

Sorry I haven’t been blogging here much.  Life has been a roller coaster of emotions lately.  My sister in law is about the pop and every time I see her I’m so devastated.  I have to hide my feelings and it’s just really hard.  My husband and I are in the process of building our home which is scary and stressful.  It’s just a lot to take in.  I was having breast tenderness for so long that I really thought that maybe I might be pregnant.  I took 4 different tests in the matter of 5 days in between and nothing.  Just yesterday my father came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant.  I screamed NO!.. I mean really??…He thinks since my daughter has been so clingy to me that I might be.. but nope I’m not.. thanks for bringing it up… Maybe my daughter knows that mommy isn’t happy right now and she’s just wanting to be with me.. is that so hard to believe?.. It’s hard enough to see my sister in law pregnant.. but now 2 more people came up on facebook pregnant. ..

It’s so hard for me right now dealing with my emotions.  I take it out on my husband and I know that’s wrong, he’s been so sweet to me and holding my hand through all of this…  He keeps telling me that it’ll happen and maybe right now isn’t right since we’ve got so much on our plate already… and I understand that but I’m just sad.  I just wish I at LEAST would get a period or something.  It’s been 54 days since I lost my baby :(.. I just want to feel like a woman again and have a period and just get through it and start trying again.  I mean we have been trying but at least a period would confirm I’m not pregnant and then a new cycle would begin.

It’s just so frustrating and I’m at the point I want to get into my car and drive away and never come back .. sigh

It’s a sad thing to want to be alone.. I do want to be alone but I don’t.  I have been able to deal with my depression .. but since the miscarriage, it’s just been really tough on me to get back to myself.  I went down and down and down and now really it’s very hard to get back to where I was.  I’m trying to bounce back…. I can’t find my bounce.

It doesn’t help that it’s getting cooler..I miss the heat.  I miss feeling alive.  I’m hateful right now.  Angry that women who don’t deserve to be pregnant are.  I don’t get it.  I’m married, living my life right, didn’t have sex till I was married… I’m religious, I go to church, I don’t drink.. or do drugs.. I stay the speed limit.. I’m a good person.. I don’t get why I don’t have another baby.. I don’t get why those who are promiscuous  are pregnant and then get pregnant time and time again..

I know I’m not better than anyone else.. I just feel for all the good I do .. I deserve to be happy and have a baby.. and rereading that out loud sounds sick to me.. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else..

Maybe this miscarriage was a blessing.  Maybe God chose me because He knew that I could get through this.  That I’m a strong person and it would make me better.  That I could tell my story and help someone else.  I know God allows us to be tried.  Maybe I’m not relying on Him much lately.  Maybe I’m dwelling on the pain and not using it for good.

I really need to think about that.  Being jealous of others for what they have.. I need to step back and be sad and mourn and get through this and be stronger.  I have to for me and for my daughter and my husband.  I NEED to be okay.  I won’t pretend like I didn’t have a miscarriage.  That will always be with me.  But I know that I can be better that I can get better and one day maybe I will feel better.

Depressed..

For the past 12 years around this time I get very emotional and depressed.  I don’t know what it is.  I can’t remember anything happening around this time that should affect me like this.  It seems to happen every single year…  I wish I knew why.  I don’t know if it’s the change of seasons.. the days getting cooler.  All I know is right now I feel utterly alone.  I love my daughter, but I miss working.  I miss talking to people and having friends.

I feel so depressed and I just want to crawl into a cave and die.  It’s very hard to deal with depression when you have an 18 month old running around.  I’ve always had depression.  I tried to kill myself because of it.  It’s a dark cloud hanging above me and no one out there has any idea of how I feel.  I tried to get counseling but it really didn’t work.  It’s weird, I wanted to go to school for counseling but never finished.  I thought maybe I could help someone else deal with their demons, when I can’t even deal with my own.

I used to be a cutter, and a pill popper.  Clearly I don’t do that anymore.  The temptation to do it though.. it’s still there.  I am Christian but I never said I was perfect.  Other people take out frustrations by drinking.  Well I can’t drink.  It’s a religious thing.. and also a family thing.  My folks have very addictive backgrounds, and their own parents have the same and generation to generation it’s been there.  So drinking isn’t an option.

I think I need to get out and do play dates again.  I need to go out and not be alone.  I miss the times when I was young.. gas was $.50 and you could take road trips without worrying about anything.  I miss blaring my music and having the windows down and the wind hitting my face and it was so cool and crisp.  I miss not having obligations, I miss my freedom.  Sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive away … drive and drive and never look back.  But I know that I can’t.  So when I go and run errands with my daughter I enjoy the time I get driving away .. and enjoying the scenery.  Then I come back home and things are the same again… 

I wish I wouldn’t feel like this every year.  I wish I knew why I feel like this.  I wish I could snap out of it.  I got my Psychology degree and still can’t figure out what’s wrong with me.. sigh.