For the past 12 years around this time I get very emotional and depressed. I don’t know what it is. I can’t remember anything happening around this time that should affect me like this. It seems to happen every single year… I wish I knew why. I don’t know if it’s the change of seasons.. the days getting cooler. All I know is right now I feel utterly alone. I love my daughter, but I miss working. I miss talking to people and having friends.
I feel so depressed and I just want to crawl into a cave and die. It’s very hard to deal with depression when you have an 18 month old running around. I’ve always had depression. I tried to kill myself because of it. It’s a dark cloud hanging above me and no one out there has any idea of how I feel. I tried to get counseling but it really didn’t work. It’s weird, I wanted to go to school for counseling but never finished. I thought maybe I could help someone else deal with their demons, when I can’t even deal with my own.
I used to be a cutter, and a pill popper. Clearly I don’t do that anymore. The temptation to do it though.. it’s still there. I am Christian but I never said I was perfect. Other people take out frustrations by drinking. Well I can’t drink. It’s a religious thing.. and also a family thing. My folks have very addictive backgrounds, and their own parents have the same and generation to generation it’s been there. So drinking isn’t an option.
I think I need to get out and do play dates again. I need to go out and not be alone. I miss the times when I was young.. gas was $.50 and you could take road trips without worrying about anything. I miss blaring my music and having the windows down and the wind hitting my face and it was so cool and crisp. I miss not having obligations, I miss my freedom. Sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive away … drive and drive and never look back. But I know that I can’t. So when I go and run errands with my daughter I enjoy the time I get driving away .. and enjoying the scenery. Then I come back home and things are the same again…
I wish I wouldn’t feel like this every year. I wish I knew why I feel like this. I wish I could snap out of it. I got my Psychology degree and still can’t figure out what’s wrong with me.. sigh.
mommy this mommy that 