6 dpo

So here I am again talking about being 6 dpo and I just really hope this is it. I mean come on!! How can I have the most perfect dates for a smiley opk and still not be pregnant. The one where it was the 31 of December and now valentines day.. Seriously.. So perfect yet nothing coming out of it.. Sigh well I guess I’ll wait till 13 or 14 dpo. Last time I waited my period started like clock work and that’s a lot to say cause I’ve always had wacky periods.
So anyways I’m going to have to do updates on my phone or iPad for now on. My laptop ended up breaking so I have to wait for my husband to fix it and well with the move, unpacking, getting the old house fixed up and rented, my daughters birthday and having to set up a bday party for her.. It’ll probably be a while till I have laptop access to this blog. Which is fine. So I’ll be updating here and there and reading all of your blogs.
Keep me in your prayers with this cycle. I’ve been rather depressed and I just want to be pregnant!…

Falling into place

So I’m on 5 dpo today. I have a stuffy nose.. Ick. I feel like I’m getting sick :(. On a good note though we are like 95% done with our old house and the best news is we have a renter. So they will move in March 1. I’m excited and scared and all of the above.

So my daughter turned 2 years old and has entered the terrible twos!!! I’m really hoping this cycle works being she’s 2 now.. I feel like I’m lagging behind.. I guess we’ll see what happens. I O’d pretty late I’m just hoping this will work out..

I’m still here..

I still haven’t moved!  Still living in this old house.. with boxes EVERYWHERE>. and with a 2 year old who barely has room to play.. I’m becoming claustrophobic.  Supposedly we are supposed to close on Thursday .. I don’t know how that is possible.. and somehow magically move in on Friday .. tell me .. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!! >.<

I’m overwhelmed .. so overwhelmed.. also randomly starting fights with the husband becasue I’m stressed and he’s been working so much I don’t get a chance to see him.  You see he took 2 weeks off work.  He was only able to take 1 week off because everything wasn’t falling into place and we didn’t close .. so now he’s been working.. a lot and I’m stuck here to work amongst the boxes.. So if we close tomorrow and move on Friday .. there is going to be about 3 weeks before he can take another week off.. so we can’t work on our old house… which is frustrating!..

So anyways as far as me testing for O.. ya I don’t know if that’s going to happen.  You see Amazon doesn’t want me to get pregnant.. why do I say that?.. Well I have Amazon Prime and they have the 2 day shipping.. and well I ordered my O testing kit and well it said yes 2 days it’ll be here.. but now they had to extend it.. I know it’s because of the snow and the crazy cold.. and I still haven’t received my package.. and well.. I think Amazon hates me.. So I’m supposed to get my kit hopefully by the end of this week.. just hoping it’s not Friday because supposedly we are supposed to move by then.. but this is all up in the air!!!!

I’m supposed to start testing tomorrow.. cd 16.. because I have long cycles.. Luckily I have 3 leftover tests from my last kit.. but still!.. ahhhhh
so I’m thinking next week the baby making will commence.. and we’ll see what happens .. I’m hopeful that we’ll finally get pregnant again.. I still sit here and can’t believe that I had a miscarriage… I mean .. me.. a person who never really got into trouble as a kid.. or teenager.. or adult.. a person who stayed pure till marriage.. I lived at home till the day I got married and then moved in with my husband.. I mean I think I did everything to a T.. and still here I am today .. a person who has problems getting pregnant.. I don’t get it..

And I’m not saying that everyone else is terrible if they did anything different.. I’m just saying I did my best to do everything right and here I am.. Sigh.. I think I’m just stressed.. 😦 I need a hug…. ( cry )

Edit! Also I know life can be worse and just recently 3 people were killed on our major road I94.. so I know this isn’t anything compared to someone dying.. so I’m still hopeful.. kinda..

Exhausted

Today was extremely exhausting. With no word on ever closing on this house I’m totally stressed and then my mother got into with me and then the husband got involved so we were screaming and it got bad. So I decided that I’d cool off by continuing to pack. And that helped me a lot. The husband came around a few hours later and started to pack. There was still tension in the air. But finally we both cooled off and I called my mom back and we are all on good terms now…

But boy who would’ve thunk that moving, mixed with an almost 2 year old, and a mother in law living in my house, would stress me out? (Sarcasm). Also it’s very hard to be romantic with my husband when she is around…then again she has made it very easy to pack because the daughter is happy running around with her grandma and I don’t feel so bad about being busy.

So we are done packing and glad to say we will have the money for movers.. I know I said we lost money cause we ended having to pay extra for stuff on the new house.. But we have enough back up money that we can use for the movers and really I am super excited because I don’t have to move crazy heavy boxes or furniture up stairs..

So because the mother in law is leaving on Saturday I have to drive my daughter to my sister in laws so she can baby sit her all day when the movers come.. Originally the mother in law was supposed to be here and that would have been easier on us… But because she is leaving I have to drive 30 min to the sister in laws house.. 30 min back to our house.. Help pack and then 30 minutes to the new house… Unpack and get the house ready and get the beds put together and pretty much get the house liveable.. Then drive an hour to pick up my daughter and drive back an hour to get home to the new house…

So this scenario isn’t very convenient but it’s what we gotta do.. So since my husband is on vacation this week and next at least I’ll have him home helping me.. So we plan on fixing this old house up and with that I have to take the daughter back to the sister In laws house for her to baby sit so we can get this house ready for sale… (I’m just glad my daughter can at least play with her cousins while the husband and I are working) So ya I’m completely stressed out and exhausted and this is just the beginning…

So as far as the baby making front I plan on doing the ovulation tests. And the two times I got the smileys were cd 19 and cd 22.. So my plan is to start testing on cd 16 just because it’s early enough just in case I’d ovulate earlier, which is doubtful but you never know. So that’s the plans.. It’s nothing exciting or anything.. My AF wasn’t pleasant and was pretty painful this time around.. But I’m just glad the cycles are starting to get back to normal at least.

So ya that’s it, now I’m going to go to sleep.. It’s snowing outside and I’m nice and warm cuddled up with my blankets in a warm bed, goodnight world.

Feeling defeated..

With our house still not being done.. It moves our close date another week or two… With that my mother in law will soon be leaving and I’ll be losing my live in baby sitter. Which isn’t good. It’s been tough packing with an almost 2 year old running around. Having her live with us for this time has really helped me out and has kept my daughter occupied and me not feeling like I’m abandoning her…

I’ve managed to pack up the kitchen, living room, dining room, and our bedroom. Of course because we don’t have a close date nor do we have a move in date, I am forced to keep the essentials like towels, cooking items..and clothing… Which is hard because when we do move I need to find boxes for these items..

With all the chaos and my mother in law living here with us I’ve felt severely distant to my husband. I think it’s the stress and the disappointment of this cycle. When I texted my husband the day I found out about the bfn he was sad… It made me sad too, like my body failed me and him.. But more like I was to blame..

I thought this cycle would be so perfect. We timed everything so well.. But such is life I guess. So I’m feeling isolated.. And lonely and just depressed and I just want to be in my new home. I want to be able to relax and enjoy my daughter and my husband. I want to be able to feel like me again. The outcome of this cycle has really gotten me down. I was sooo for sure this was it.. And I’m getting tired of waiting. I’ve gone 3 cycles already since the miscarriage .. From 80 days.. To 50.. And now back to 36.. Which is good but at this point I thought I’d be pregnant by now…

I don’t know anymore.. I just feel like I am so alone. Like no one cares and I could disappear and really it wouldn’t even matter. This might be the AF talking.. But I’m just feeling crappy.. And sleep is my only release from this reality.. Sigh

Everything here’s hard to bear

Though this song isn’t conventional .. I keep listening to the lyrics and they represent how I feel… How I’m feeling….I only wrote what lyrics are me.. Right now. This isn’t the whole song.. But still..it doesn’t really matter now. Does it..

how I die when I look
At you smilin’ lovin’ life and all I know is blue
Rainy days and cold stares broken love affairs
Everything’s beautiful as long as I ain’t there
I guess I wasn’t meant to crack a smile who cares
I think I’ll go to sleep for a while now

I’m barely livin’ in my skin depression’s my only friend
And I don’t know where I am heading tryin’ to forget where I’ve been
And I’m so sick of lying God please show me that silver lining
Cuz I’ve heard tale and I’m not well my heads full of hell and
This world’s a jail but

And it don’t matter and I don’t care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good’s over there
And everything here’s hard to bear

And so they say that life’s a play
And that all the world’s a stage
And for another part I pray
The show ends the same way every day
And my heart carries the pain
of a brain I can’t explain
Am I insane? Am I insane?

And everything good is gone
And everything bad is here
It doesn’t really matter now does it

12 dpo!

So I’ve made it to 12 dpo and still going to wait till 14 dpo to test. Only 2 more days. But let me tell you about what happened today. So I was suppose to get a call from the closet ppl for our new house. I was for sure that they wouldn’t call till close to 12 at least, NOPE! I got the call at 7 am! Cue crazy woman jumping out of bed getting my daughter up and dressed and fed and taking a super fast shower..ahhh so luckily the mother in law is still here and she was able to watch my daughter but I felt bad waking her up!!

Anyway I rush out to the house and omg the road out there is terrible actually saw 2 cars with flats because of the pot holes! So I get to the house and talk to the guys and everything is pretty good but I ask about my shoe rack well what they consider a rack is under the clothes..

I meant that I wanted racks going up the wall and this is what I told the sales guy and my assumption was that they just knew so when I’m talking to him I’m all sad and just gave up and left and I call the husband and he’s like nope the sales guy knew what we wanted they need to fix this and ya so the husband took care of it..

But I ended up driving home and well the guy calls me and is like well did we miss something and of course I felt stupid because I should’ve told him but I just thought he knew!.. He wanted me to drive back out there but I wasnt going to drive another hour back and forth.. Ahh craziness.. I really thought I was going out there to tell these guys what I want not that this is what they have and I’m pretty much out of luck.

But I sent the guy a picture of what I want and I haven’t heard from him so I guess they got everything handled. so the husband and I are driving out there soon and I’m just hoping that they aren’t there cause the guy was mad on the phone. Ugh so many misunderstandings!

Anyway other than this craziness life is still pretty wacky so far cause we are packing and getting rid of stuff. The basement is packed and dining room is too. Today I went through my clothes and shoes and well I have two garbage bags of clothes that I had to get rid of. Just clothes I’ve had since highschool. Actually I do have some t shirts I made back in elementary school.. I’m 27 years old., you do the math lol. These are some old clothes! Ugh

So ya 2 more days. Really hoping for a positive!! We shall seeeeee also sorry for the misspellings. I had to go back and fix a ton of stuff. Guess that’s what happens when you update on your cellphone!

Gyno visit today

So out of all the days I have to go see my Gyno during a snow storm.. So I’m swerving all around and somehow made it to my doctors office. Today was just a regular pap smear .. I hate those but I had to get it since I cancelled my last one and then had to wait another 6 months to get another appointment.

But I told her that I got a positive opk on the 31 and have been getting busy since and she was super excited for us and said she is looking forward to seeing me being pregnant. She also sent off my pap smear for infections I guess they only do those when your pregnant and she said might as well send it off as if I were already..

So I’m really excited and scared about the next few weeks. I don’t plan on testing for anything till January 18, that’ll be 17 dpo.. It’s so far away!!! So here goes another day of getting “busy”! Swim little spermies swim! Hoping and praying this cycle works out 🙂

Cd 17

Today is cd 17…I’m getting a bit anxious because I still haven’t gotten my smiley face..Even though the first real time I did was cd 19… I’m really hoping and praying that this time will be it….it was hard to watch my daughter open gifts this year.. I would’ve been 25 weeks .. I would’ve started showing.. I would’ve been so happy.. Rubbing my tummy.. Yesterday was hard but I made it through..

So the next big thing happening in our lives is moving. The house still isn’t done. But last time we went there they were painting the ceilings,. But all of our cabinets and doors where in The garage just waiting to be put up. Even if I got pregnant this cycle .. The baby would be very safe. We are hoping to be in said house by the second week of January. Baby would just be forming and we’d just be getting settled in.. Oh to think ahead,,

It would be so nice to be pregnant in our new home. To start new.. Fingers, hands, arms, legs, tongue, lips, and eyes crossed and tons of prayers going on right now. Really praying that things turn out for the best..

Symptoms..

So I’m on these pills to cure this form of shingles.. I think it’s that but what freaks me out more is my doctor kinda wasn’t sure what I have. So on a good note most of my symptoms have gone away. No headache, blood pressure seems down, no feeling like I’m going to die… No more numbness.

But now I’m having a new symptom. Well not new but more noticeable. On Monday when I went to the doctor I had him check. MY throat.. I swear every time I swallow it feels like something is on the left bottom of my tonsil.. Yesterday I couldn’t take it so I grabbed a flashlight and kinda stuck my finger back there and felt around then looked In the mirror with my flashlight.. And it looks like small balls on the bottom of my tonsils.. I’m wondering if these are glands? Either way they look swollen.. So now that makes me nervous cause the drugs I was given was for something else and not what I might really have…

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor at 11 so I’m hoping that’ll go well and maybe he can see what I might really have. My daughter slept through the night last night and she seems to be feeling better so that’s a plus too… Ugh and all this craziness I have to do a family pierogi day on Friday and somehow squeeze in grocery shopping and my doctors appointment… Saturday I have to drop off eggs at my friends place and then check out our house that’s being built and see if they fixed what they messed up..and then it’s a date night with the hubby..

Sunday is church in the morning and brunch then church again and then somehow make cookie presents and then wrap gifts and ya crazinesssss… Also still no smiley O face which might be a good thing since I’m on these meds,, ugh…. I just want to crawl into a cave and sleep..