Sorry I haven’t been blogging here much. Life has been a roller coaster of emotions lately. My sister in law is about the pop and every time I see her I’m so devastated. I have to hide my feelings and it’s just really hard. My husband and I are in the process of building our home which is scary and stressful. It’s just a lot to take in. I was having breast tenderness for so long that I really thought that maybe I might be pregnant. I took 4 different tests in the matter of 5 days in between and nothing. Just yesterday my father came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant. I screamed NO!.. I mean really??…He thinks since my daughter has been so clingy to me that I might be.. but nope I’m not.. thanks for bringing it up… Maybe my daughter knows that mommy isn’t happy right now and she’s just wanting to be with me.. is that so hard to believe?.. It’s hard enough to see my sister in law pregnant.. but now 2 more people came up on facebook pregnant. ..
It’s so hard for me right now dealing with my emotions. I take it out on my husband and I know that’s wrong, he’s been so sweet to me and holding my hand through all of this… He keeps telling me that it’ll happen and maybe right now isn’t right since we’ve got so much on our plate already… and I understand that but I’m just sad. I just wish I at LEAST would get a period or something. It’s been 54 days since I lost my baby :(.. I just want to feel like a woman again and have a period and just get through it and start trying again. I mean we have been trying but at least a period would confirm I’m not pregnant and then a new cycle would begin.
It’s just so frustrating and I’m at the point I want to get into my car and drive away and never come back .. sigh
It’s a sad thing to want to be alone.. I do want to be alone but I don’t. I have been able to deal with my depression .. but since the miscarriage, it’s just been really tough on me to get back to myself. I went down and down and down and now really it’s very hard to get back to where I was. I’m trying to bounce back…. I can’t find my bounce.
It doesn’t help that it’s getting cooler..I miss the heat. I miss feeling alive. I’m hateful right now. Angry that women who don’t deserve to be pregnant are. I don’t get it. I’m married, living my life right, didn’t have sex till I was married… I’m religious, I go to church, I don’t drink.. or do drugs.. I stay the speed limit.. I’m a good person.. I don’t get why I don’t have another baby.. I don’t get why those who are promiscuous are pregnant and then get pregnant time and time again..
I know I’m not better than anyone else.. I just feel for all the good I do .. I deserve to be happy and have a baby.. and rereading that out loud sounds sick to me.. Who am I to think that I am better than anyone else..
Maybe this miscarriage was a blessing. Maybe God chose me because He knew that I could get through this. That I’m a strong person and it would make me better. That I could tell my story and help someone else. I know God allows us to be tried. Maybe I’m not relying on Him much lately. Maybe I’m dwelling on the pain and not using it for good.
I really need to think about that. Being jealous of others for what they have.. I need to step back and be sad and mourn and get through this and be stronger. I have to for me and for my daughter and my husband. I NEED to be okay. I won’t pretend like I didn’t have a miscarriage. That will always be with me. But I know that I can be better that I can get better and one day maybe I will feel better.
mommy this mommy that 